August 27, 2010

my parents

this is my favorite picture of my parents.


we think it is when they had just found out they were expecting their third child. it’s just so cute to me.

I’ve been thinking about them a lot lately. just last Sunday, I bawled my eyes out when I looked at the date on the church bulletin and realized it had been 12 years since my mom had passed away. I blame a large part of that on hormones – the other part on an extremely tender heart. (and just for those who know me, i’ve barely cried at all during this pregnancy. weird.)

today I cried again. my doctor’s appointment had been moved to a new office – at the hospital where we will be having Chloe. i wasn’t prepared to be going to that hospital yet. in fact, i showed up to my appointment at the wrong office not knowing that when they had rescheduled my appointment the location had also been changed. so, i had no time to mentally brace myself for going to that hospital.

i refer to it as that hospital because it is the facility where those two bright and happy people in the picture lost their battles in this life. (mom in 98, dad in 08) 

i cried as i waited to see the doctor thinking about the countless hours i had spent in that facility under such different circumstances. i cried because i have been thinking about my parents and how absolutely mind-blowingly different life would be right now if they were still living. i cried thinking that Chloe would be ushered into our lives in the same place that my parents were ushered out of our lives. these weren’t big, bellowy tears. just simple thoughts trickling from my mind as i allowed myself to relinquish them. 

part of me loves the thought of having her there. like they are somehow connected. and part of me dreads it with my every fiber. i know it is just me being silly and hormonal – because really it is just a building. i know that everything will be perfectly happy and wonderful when she arrives, come what may. however, these days, i just can’t get them off my mind.

i think that may be perfectly natural. to want to tune in to your own parents when you are on the brink of becoming one yourself. not that we do not have amazing resources in other family and friends – it’s just that i feel this urge to want to know from my own parents. again, i think that is a natural thought and quite possibly another step in that ever-so-lovely grieving process.

it gets easier, but it never seems to go away. grieving is such a strange process. it can be so painful yet create so much joy too.

funny how life’s little incidences scream God. i love watching that work.

watching Him work.


  1. adorable picture of your parents. I am so sorry for the hard processing parts. :( Kelly

  2. oh man!
    you are my kinda girl.
    i can see why you were tracking with me since we speak the SAME language sister!
    you need to do more posts about your 'bout just for me? :)
    have you read "motherless daughters, a legacy of loss"?
    either say "yes" or go to the bookstore right now and buy it.
    it does such a good job of explaining the drawn out grieving process that sometimes lays dormant inside until it is triggered years and years later.
    i found it in the bookstore and began to read it ( i actually remembered my mom reading it since her mother died when she was 12)
    and nearly had a scene.
    it was one of those moments when i felt my hands start to shake and my shoulders start to heave and i had to quickly buy it and rush to the car....i promise i am not a daily drama queen it was just predestined for me to find that book at that time or something..... think you're spilling to a stranger, check out the length of this comment. *blush*
    email me anytime since i just love you already and am willing to listen to you since i just love your "voice" and your language is like listening to myself be affirmed.
    God bless you, friend!